I can't remember to forget you
by jj1980
Summary: One shot, Sparky episode tag for Tabula Rasa. Rodney prompts a sleepless night for John. Beware the Angst!


**A/N: One shot, sparky episode tag for Tabula Rasa. The Memento References were just too much for me ****J**

**I can't remember to forget you**

The sounds of the infirmary were keeping him awake. At least that was what he was telling himself. The constant beeping, rustling of bed linen from other patients, some coughs and snores. And then there were the lights. Emergency buttons and lit supply closets, a few heart monitors.

John sighed.

He could sleep pretty much anywhere, but the infirmary was absolutely impossible. Ironic really, if you thought about it. The one place people were sent to get better was the one that left him feel like a piece of crap after few sleepless nights. He should tell Keller tomorrow, maybe he could spend the rest of his time recuperating in his quarters. Carson would have never let him get away with that, but the new Doc was, though great at what she did, sometimes still a bit green. Normally, he would never use that to his advantage, but really, he did need a good night's sleep.

Maybe then those thoughts would go away.

John had often wished that he really was as mindless and dense as he mostly pretended to be. Life, he imagined, would be so much easier if one didn't have to deal with the constant worrying, rationalising and associating. One of his college profs had once said his brain was too perceptive and analytical for his own good. Too mathematical. He just couldn't help but pick things up at high speed and immediately connect them with others within the large framework of his mind, creating patterns, making associations. Add to that an nearly photographic memory and you got a brain that almost never stood still.

Often it was a blessing. On nights like this, it was a curse.

Memory. God, he still felt dizzy when he remembered waking up and having all those memories rushing back into his mind. It had been like experiencing everything all over again, at once, within the space of a few moments. John made a mental note to ask the Doc if it had felt like that for everyone – the new psychiatrist would have his hands full if it had, that's for sure. Of course he was happy to have his memory, his identity back. And not to think of the consequences for the expedition as a whole – they'd almost ended up killing each other, for god's sake.

Still, John couldn't help thinking that there were some memories he could have done without. His divorce, for one. Definitely as unpleasant as they came. Shooting Sumner through the hand of that Wraith queen. The whole Ford disaster. Carrying Carson's coffin through the gate.

Elizabeth.

Not that he wanted to forget her altogether. Or maybe he did. It would definitely make things easier on an everyday basis. Not to remember that he'd left her behind. Not constantly wondering what fate he actually wished for her – death or being captured by the replicators. He wasn't sure which would be the better option. Not flinching every time he saw Carter sitting in her chair or worse, on her balcony. Not lying awake at nights, very much like right now, picturing her face and desperately trying to recall every detail of it, to make sure a part of her would never leave him.

Yes, it would definitely be easier.

But that would mean forgetting all the other things too. The way her hair smelled or the look in her eyes just after she woke up and realised she was still in his arms. The way she would subtly touch his hand when they had to make a difficult decision, a touch that assured him everything was going to be fine after all. The way her eyes seared into his when they argued, flirted, agreed, made love,…

It had been an off hand comment of Rodney's that had gotten his current chain of associations going. John had joked about the black markings on his arms, but to his surprise, the scientist hadn't even been a bit whiny. He chalked that up to his still elevated spirits over the recovery of Katie Brown. Instead, Rodney had just nodded thoughtfully.

"Yes, I suppose that movie must have made more of an impression than I thought. I can't get the stupid stuff off anymore."

Teyla, beside him, had frowned. "Movie?"

But John had gotten the reference immediately. In fact, his mind was already way ahead of them all. "Memento." he whispered.

_I can't remember to forget you…_

The line had stuck out for him even as he had watched the film for the first time. It was so tragic – the thought of the freshest memory you have, for the rest of your life, being that of the person you love most, dying.

_I can't remember to forget you… I'm not leaving you behind!_

That's what it had been like, waking up after this latest disaster. Like he'd just lost Elizabeth all over again. It was like waking up disoriented, with no clue where you are, only to realize then that you're in hell, your own, personal hell.

_I can't remember to forget you… If you don't get out of here right now, none of us will, so GO!_

Every time he remembered that look on her face, he could almost smell the sulphur. And that's when he wanted to forget, forget he ever met, ever fell in love with her in the first place. Forget that such a perfect person had ever existed, that he had been lucky enough to be loved by her… and that now, she was gone, either dead or suffering a fate he didn't even want to picture.

_I can't remember to forget you… Elizabeth! – GO!!!_

Forgetting her would mean forgetting that strength as well. The way she had sacrificed herself for all of them, so he, so Atlantis could survive. That strength and selflessness, the gentle understanding and the love – all of which had made him a better man, the man he was now. Elizabeth wasn't gone, he realized, and no matter whether he forgot if the laugh lines around her left or her right eye were more pronounced – she would always be a part of him. The way she had changed him, everyone in this city for the better, had made her immortal. No matter what the replicators did to her, for him, Elizabeth would always be there. And in the end, that would give him the strength one day to at least find out what happened to her.

_I can't remember to forget you… because I don't want to._


End file.
